A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Friday, September 29, 2017

#2 - The beginning, the back story...

I have alot to say. I have alot to expose, and I’m not afraid to do it. It is really not a secret who I was and I’m certainly not ashamed. I am an alcoholic and an addict. That will be who I am for the remainder of my life. I will never be cured. All I have is  “a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.”* That’s it....a daily reprieve. I will need to attend AA meetings regularly and stay connected with my higher power. I will continue to do the next right thing, regardless if it is easy or not because I have all whole other self that lays dormant. She lays dormant in a shallow grave just beneath my surface. If she is awoken, she’s a fuckin spawn of the devil himself.

I started this blog about my life today, the days after I chose sobriety but I think it is important to address exactly what got me here. I’ll try to keep it limited to a few posts but there is alot to share.

This is my story.

I was about 15, that’s when it all began, the drugs and the drink. Some people remember vividly their first drink or drug, I however have no clue. It’s taken almost four years to even remember who I used to be before my first drink. But looking back at things now, I’m pretty sure that my addiction started well before my first drink or drug. I always had an insatiable appetite for things; there was a hole inside of me that was limitless. This would turn out to be the perfect catalyst for my drug and alcohol use to survive. That hole would eventually turn into an emptiness that resonated so deep into my soul, a dark murky black hole that lived inside the shell of a girl.

I was raised in a modest middle class home, the youngest of three. My mom and dad both worked and we went to church on Sundays. I was never abused or neglected, bullied, called ugly or fat, been molested or raped all the stereotypical characteristics of what a psychologist would say “so that’s what happened” or “ahha that’s why.” Nothing. Nothing happened to birth this demon that would torture me for the next 17 years.  I had a “normal” childhood, whatever that may mean to you. Somewhere though, within those first fifteen years, my self-esteem vanished. To be quite honest I’m not sure it even existed. I hated anything that would potentially put me in the spotlight. I remember being unhappy alot. Whether I showed it or not, I was unhappy, unfullfilled. I preferred to be alone though I had a lot of friends. I never felt like I fit in with any specific group but I would rather hang with guys. Maybe because of their nonchalant attitude. They didn’t care much and neither did I. I didn’t have any hobbies because nothing interested me. I would purposely skip classes that required me to participate and soon started failing school altogether.

By seventh grade I was smoking behind the school and at fifteen I started smoking weed on a daily basis and drinking on the weekends. We had a small crew.  We isolated. We would drive miles out into the “boonies” listening to Beastie Boys, 311, Rage Against the Machine, Pure Moods and JayZ. We would just listen, we didn’t say much, we didn’t have too, we just got eachother and where we were, we would just get lost in the high and the music. Two things I loved most. The high. The music.   We would purposely get lost and try to find our way back on those dark isolated roads. How ironic that it would resemble my life’s journey a decade later....a dark isolated road.

High school was a blur. We partied, we skipped school. School work was never done. I staggered through barely passing. The only thing that saved me was in my senior year I was accepted to the work program. I would leave school just before lunch and go straight to work. I landed a job at a law firm helping two paralegals who worked under a partner at that firm. That job later became my full time job straight out of high school.

This is perfect I thought, I made it and with barely a scratch.

This however was just the beginning.....

*(Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 85)

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