A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Monday, October 9, 2017

#4 - Two flakes make a blizzard...

I was in treatment for about 26 days and I met the man of my dreams. Ok- I can’t even keep a straight face typing that. I mean it doesn’t sound crazy at all right? We could save eachother. Maybe even conquer this illness together and ride off into the sunset.

How terribly wrong I was.

It is nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship with anyone when in active addiction or fresh sobriety. It’s even more unmanageable when the person you’re in a relationship with is just like you. You are weak, you’re like a walking-talking open wound and you just bleed. You may be sober together for a time, but someone may break and you may not be equipped to handle that, or maybe both, at the same time, which is exactly what happened to us.

He moved in with me shortly after we were released from rehab. We both had a passion for music and that I believed is what brought us together, like it had nothing to do with the fact that we were desperately trying to fill a void. Anyway, one day we decided to go the mall, I  guess we were trying to be “normal” people. Driving there we were talking about a band we both loved, Tool to be specific. I remember the exact traffic light we were stopped at. I remember looking over at him and asked him to grab the CD out of my center consul so we could listen to it. He took out that CD and found residue from my last cocaine binge prior to rehab. That was it. That small trigger sent us on a run that opened the gates of hell just a bit wider.

On April 21, 2007 I overdosed in a disgusting hotel room in Camden, New Jersey. All I remember is taking a methadone biscuit on top of the mass quantities of Valium and cocaine I had already ingested. A shot of Narcan later, I woke up in the ER violently shaking and unable to hear. I saw my boyfriend lean over and say, though I could only read his lips,  “don’t tell them you were with me.” To save his ass he told them he had found me like that, can’t blame him, I guess maybe I would’ve done the same. It wasn’t  until the next day that he told me the story of how he woke in the middle of the night to what he describes as me making “animalistic” noises. Trying to wake me, and unsuccessful at it, he knew there was something terribly wrong. He carried me down four flights of stairs to his car. I started foaming at the mouth as he drove me to Cooper Medical which luckily was not far from where we were. Long story short, a social worker came to see me, i’m pretty sure she told me to seek recovery or some shit. I remember she barely looked at me. She just signed a paper and left. A nurse arrived shortly thereafter and told me to get dressed and leave. It was Camden, I was a nobody, I was just another lost soul, just flesh on bone. I walked into the lobby and asked to use the phone, I called my boyfriend to come pick me up and walked down the street. I was surrounded by drug users and drug dealers. The street was live already at 7:00 a.m. and I fit right in. No soon he pulled up, I opened the door, sat down and immediately asked where the drugs were.

This behavior is the epitome of addiction. You have zero self care, you feel worthless and helpless and you would rather be dead. To me this was just another failed attempt on my life, whether it was intentional or not.

Two months later he moved out. I came home from work one day and he was gone. He “couldn’t take it anymore,” like as if I was the problem. Alone and even more damaged, I continued on, for the sense of abandonment was too agonizing. My apartment was like the devils den. Everytime I walked into that place I would get sick to my stomach. There was a dense eeriness about it and it felt like death, like someone had died there, that person was me.

So I guess the moral of this story? Choose your tribe wisely, for two flakes make a damn blizzard. You cannot make something work when you have work to do yourself. You cannot give love if you don’t know what love is. It’s just not possible. And this in no offense to anyone. It’s just the way it is and must be for awhile.  You must accept that.

You must accept that this could be life or death. Choose your people.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Kim!
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    You are right to choose your tribe...I have some good people around me now, that make all the difference.
    I look forward to reading more of your story here!
    I am 3 years sober, and have been blogging for 3 years.
    xo
    Wendy
    tipsynomore.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading Un-Tipsy Teacher! It’s all about your people. I’m going to check out your blog as well. Much love. Xoxo

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  2. It's true that you need to be careful who you let in. Thank you for sharing your story and letting people know the truth, because so many get lost in thought that loving someone else other than yourself is more important. It's not. So, thank you for being brave!

    xoxo,

    Joanna
    www.thecupofjojo.com

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  3. We always want the quick fix, that instant gratification and we sometimes seek that in relationships and get caught up in unhealthy ones. Thank you for sharing Joanna. Xoxo

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