A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Friday, October 13, 2017

#5- I’m a what?......

In 2008 I changed jobs. I probably did this at the perfect time because I’m pretty sure I would have been fired within a short time. I landed a better job, with better pay and better prospects. I was there maybe a year, maybe less, before I took a leave of absence. Basically I resigned.

I was always trying to make changes. I always thought maybe if I did this, things will change. Maybe if I found a good guy he would make me want to be a better person. Maybe if I found a more fulfilling job I may want to be a better employee, maybe buy a home or travel. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Regardless, I needed out. The damage I was causing my family and friends were becoming irreparable and I couldn’t bear to stick around any longer. I was a fucking ticking time bomb. Everywhere I went I caused turmoil. Every holiday was a disaster, I either didn’t show or I showed up in terrible condition. My family tip toed around me and every time I left the house they swore they would never see me again. So I left. I moved into a halfway house (Oxford House) in Maryland.

A halfway house is structured living for women (and men) in recovery. There are strict rules you have to follow and you live among people struggling just as you. In my house we were drug tested weekly, we had to attend five meetings a week, attend an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) with weekly visits with a therapist and you had to be employeed within two weeks of moving in. The house had sixteen females living there. There was no TV (excruciating), you had no car (for the first month), and each room had three to four females living in them from all walks of life. I was the only one from New Jersey the rest were from Baltimore, Maryland. This would be the perfect place for me to stay sober, and I say that with complete sarcasm. You want to talk about complete and utter bat shit crazy women.  Take the substance out of a fresh addict is like being stuck in a fenced in backyard with a rabid dog, throw PMS and boy problems on top of that and you have Satan. I lived with sixteen of them. I got a job at a Royal Farms making hoagies and fried chicken and I walked forty five minutes to and from work everyday. This was quite humbling to say the least.

So in this mandatory IOP I had to meet with a therapist whom I didn’t particularly like (shocker). I thought he was condescending and in my last session with him he had the audacity to diagnose me as a sociopath and bipolar disorder. I could understand the bipolar diagnosis because my behaviors did resemble those of a person suffering from extreme highs followed by extreme lows. I was an addict; of course I had highs and lows. My whole fucking life was a high and a low. I took drugs, I got high. I came off drugs, I got low. I mean could this guy be any more elementary. His next diagnosis spun me out, a sociopath? I’m sorry, a what? First of all I had no idea what it meant, secondly it sounded bad. Infuriated, I got up and left. I decided I would never come back. This would be my excuse,this would be the beginning of my relapse and I didn’t even know it, relapse start #1.

Back at the house things started to get sketchy. Women were relapsing, drugs were being found on the property, items were being stolen and one girl was going through withdrawals in our bathroom because apparently the owner of the property was giving her drugs. I started to get extremely uncomfortable living there, or this would be the lie I would tell myself. Relapse start #2.

Because none of this was “condusive” to my recovery, I left and I told no one I left and the reason I didn’t tell anyone was because I decided to get high. With absolutely no defense against that thought I would spend the next two days alone, locked up in a cheap motel getting high twenty minutes from my home in New Jersey. Complete and utter insanity.

No matter where you live in this world you will always be stuck with you. You cannot run away from yourself. You cannot move away from yourself, you cannot quit yourself like you would a job, or not answer the phone when you call, or block yourself like you would an ex...you are stuck with you. Until you are ready to be done, you will never be done regardless of where you are. This all begins with you and ends with you. Choose life or choose death....I chose life.

~~Side note: Aa few years later I googled sociopath, and this is what it said “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.”........So I gusss maybe that asshole was right. ~~


6 comments:

  1. “And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
    ― Confucius
    So true.
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. ugh I keep trying to escape myself and my issues by leaving now and again. I've changed cities, traveled to another other country but one thing I've found is that you can not escape yourself. You're so strong! More power to you! Keep going :) Loads of love <3

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    Replies
    1. You are strong also Komal. Tap into that inner strength my friend! Xoxo

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  3. you are doing your best and i should really appreciate that for your deep interest and moving on..Keep it up

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