A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

#6 - Her name was Kim.....

To break up the story a little I figured I’d write about past relationships throughout my addiction. I was recently at my parents house and grabbed all of my journals out of the attic, all of which I knew would be entries I had written during my years of active addiction. It took me almost a week to read them. They sat in the corner in my room and every day I looked at that bag and every day I was just not prepared to open them. Inside those journals would be a story I would read about a stranger, a girl I never wanted to know.....and that girl was me.

I started journaling in the ninth grade. All I wrote about was how much I loved my boyfriend, how he was the love of my life, I couldn’t live without him, he was my soul mate...blah blah blah. I also  frequently wrote about how I felt he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. As I continued to read all these journals, this would turn out to be the exact same entry with every guy I was in a relationship with. It is clear to me that I never believed that anyone could love me. I never felt deserving of love and therefore I couldn’t see the love they had for me. Ultimately I chased them away. I sabotaged all of my relationships because I was always searching for something to be wrong in them. I always thought I did something, that everything was my fault. I was always apologizing when in fact I had done nothing wrong. This was all brought to my attention by my therapist and is now more apparent then ever.

All of my relationships involved substance abuse. Every. Single. One. They were filled with jealousy, rage, lies, doubt and passion. We were so sick that we needed eachother. We fed off eachother like savaged fiends. We had to blame someone for what we had become, and it’s alot easier to point the finger at someone else rather than take responsiblity for your own actions. I held on so tight to those relationships I suffocated them and they would disintegrate right before my eyes. My very wise sponsor once old me that when the problem, as you foresee it, is removed, you are then left only to look at yourself, in your role you’ve played in the dissolution of that relationship. Now that’s fucking painful. Completely unstable as I was, and having the emotional capacity of a fifteen year old, the only way I knew to ease that pain was to push it down. I would use. The vicious cycle continued. I would go on and find someone just as toxic, if not more. My drug use intensified as did my personal relationships. We would fight about who spent more money, who did more lines than the other, who smoked more, whose turn was it to get more. Day in and day out. They were volatile and sometimes physical and I felt I deserved it all.

Sex,drugs and rock and roll....sounds so damn appealing doesn’t it? Well it’s not. It’s pure hell and you are literally sharing that space in hell with someone you love. I often wondered how those relationships would have worked out today. I was not my true self, they were not their true selves. Who the hell were they? I shared my life with these men and I have no clue who they actually were. Would I have actually like them if I was sober? Would we have even crossed paths? What was his middle name? Or his favorite color? It’s unsettlling to know that I have left these relationships as they were, violent and evil, both of who I am not today. I would love to see them again one day, to reintroduce myself, because they have not met me yet. My true self. The real me.

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