A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Sunday, October 22, 2017

#7- RX Queen....


The summer of 2008 I moved to State College, PA to live with my brother and his family. They lived in a beautiful home on the outskirts of the college. From their home you could see in the distance green rolling hills with livestock and horses. It was stunning. It was peaceful. It was safe. How could I ever get into trouble here? I lived with my niece and nephew both of whom were young children a the time and their two dogs. I was hours away from New Jersey and any potential threats on my sobriety. I celebrated thirty days there. My journal entry read something like “I celebrated thirty days today and I want to use.” These accomplishments and accumulated days of sobriety meant nothing to me. These were just days I was unable to get what I wanted. Nothing more. I was far away from any dealer or friends and that’s basically the only reason I was able to put together thirty days consecutively. It wasn’t because I was officially done or that I was becoming spiritually fit, it was because I was out of touch with any means of obtaining these substances and I was absolutely terrified. 

I tried my best to be a part of their family. I was grateful they had opened their home to me and that they trusted me enough to live with their children. They trusted I would do the right thing and inside I desperately wanted to.

I would always wonder what my niece and nephew thought of me or why was I living there. I was ashamed. I was that Aunt. The one who couldn’t get her shit together. I was a letdown and I felt like a failure everytime those little eyes looked at me.

I landed a job at Penn State bakery decorating cakes for the college. I always had a passion for desserts and at one point in my life I toyed with the idea of becoming a pastry chef. I was actually a little excited to start this job.

I must have gained 15 pounds working there. Every cake that broke or crumbled, I ate. I would go into the freezer and I would eat these peanut butter crumbles we made for decorating the peanut butter cakes. I ate that shit right in the freezer. I had no shame. They probably always wondered why I was in the freezer for so long.The break room had broken cookies, cakes and pastries. I ate those also. I was filling the void. I was feeding the pleasure sensors that hung in my brain like frayed live wire. I was a fuckin glutton. Disgusted with myself my depression set it. It was hard for me to be a part of anything. I started detesting my job. I was exhausted all the time. My clothes didn’t fit. I starting blowing my pay checks on clothing and food. My addiction had manifested into different behaviors, different self-destructive behaviors. I traded one for the other.

I tried to carry and I failed miserably.

Around the second month I got arrested for a DUI. I blew a 0.15. All I remember is being alone in the home, my brother and family went out for the night. I was left to my own devices. I don’t remember what I drank but I remember cough medicine being involved as well as alcohol and pills.  Of course there was pills, there was always pills. I might have also failed to mention earlier that not only was I drinking and taking drugs, I was also on lethal amounts of prescription medication. I was taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety (benzodiazepines) pills. At that time, according to my journal, I was taking Lamictal and Kilonopin. For the majority of my drug use I was taking Kilonopin and for those who don’t know what that is, it’s a “controlled substance” for anxiety and it’s highly addictive. You cannot just stop taking this medicine, you need to be tapered off.  I was up to about 3mg a day and I weighed all of 110 pds. Why I was prescribed this medication in the first place blows my mind but at the time I went to whatever doctor would give it to me. I was literally under the influence everyday regardless if I had ingested illicit drugs or not.

I went to court and qualified for their IDRC program, got probation, community service and lost my license for thirty days. Here’s the catch, I only lost my license in Pennsylvania. So what did I do? I left. I came back home because ummmmmm I can drive in New Jersey.

2 comments:

  1. I was on Klonopin, (clonazepam) too. It really messed me up for awhile, not because I over took it, but because it was a heavy duty drug!
    I recently went off gabapentin, and now I am only on Lexapro.
    Thank goodness.
    I am an aunt to some wonderful nieces and nephews and I know they are super proud of me for being sober!
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. It’s crazy isn’t it! I would miss parts of my days with absolutely no recollection.

    So glad to hear you’ve transitioned to something that would better suit you and your past. I would highly suggest any recovering addict/alcoholic stay as far away from it as possible.

    Thank you for sharing! Xoxo

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