A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Saturday, October 28, 2017

#8 - The people who saved my life.....


Family is the most important thing during recovery. It is even more important when in active addiction. They may ride your ass, they may stand in your way, the may force you to take a look at yourself and you will probably resent them for this, but they will fight for you. If you had friends that stuck around long enough, consider yourself blessed.

My parents refused to sit back and watch me slip away. They never gave up. They prayed for me, they cried with me, and they provided me with a warm bed and food, on the occasion that I ate.

This is my family story, how my addiction affected their lives.

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My Father

This man would not co-sign my bullshit. Tough love in its purest form.

Every day my father came face to face with my addiction. He portrayed fearlessness and strength which I understood it to be then, but now I can see was complete and absolute fear. He watched my every move. He watched me suffer. He watched me drop down to eighty nine pounds, decaying right before his eyes and he could do nothing. He was helpless.

I was a liar, I was a thief and I was dying. He wouldn’t stand for any of it.

He was forced to do things he probably never dreamed he would have to do. He would lock me in my room, he would break my cell phones, he would hold me down so I wouldn’t leave, and he would pick me up off the floor when I refused to get up. He took pictures of me when I was drunk or high and would hang them in my room so when I woke I would be forced to see myself. He was desperate, he was humiliating me and I am sure it killed him every damn day that he did it.

He was at my bedside at every hospital and would have been with me in every rehab if he could. When I lived in Maryland he drove three hours to meet me for lunch, that’s it, lunch. He then drove all the way back.

After all I’ve done, all the pain and fury, he is still a huge part of my life today. This is love in the purest form. This is my father and I would have died without him.

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My Mother

This woman would co-sign my bullshit. She knew it was bullshit but she did it anyway. She was my mother, she was a mother, and she would do anything for her children. As a mother now myself I will say will absolute allegiance that I would do anything for my son and she did what she instinctually knew to do, she protected me.

She would lie for me, she would cover for me, and she would go out all hours of the night looking for me. Unable to sleep until I got home, she always looked rundown. She always had dark circles under her eyes. She would come home from work with puffy red eyes like she had been crying the whole way home. She was probably terrified to see me.

She held me often and told me how much she loved me and how afraid she was that I would die. Unable to feel much of anything, I would still embrace her open arms. I still felt safe with her.

Inside I was always having this internal struggle of not caring and/or caring too much. I cannot really explain it any further than that. It was like I would come in and out of this possession. I would surface briefly but only until I felt that first ache in my heart. I would then desperately search for anything to push it down. That brief moment of clarity, that first sober breath was too much to endure.

My mother is my rock. She is my strength. She is my mother and I would have died without her.

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My Brother

If he grew his hair long and shrunk we would be identical. Identical in mind and heart. We share the same passion for music and we are pretty deep thinkers. We dig deep, sometimes too deep for our own good and we both found some darkness there.

He moved out of state almost ten years ago but was very much involved with helping my parents through these times. I know my mom reached out to him a lot for guidance and it was probably because of how closely our minds worked. He got me. He knew how I felt. He knew that pain.

He never wrote me off.

He was always searching for any good that was still left inside of me.

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My Sister

Her love, well that came in anger. She hated what I was doing to myself and to the family. She started to detach herself from everyone. Not out of hate but merely of survival. She was bracing for that phone call that I was no longer on his earth. She was preparing herself and her family by creating distance from the chaos. I was like a cancer that spread to each household, consuming everyone and nobody came out intact.

In my early sobriety I had met with her to make my amends. We spoke at length about what my addiction had done to her and the pain she had endured because of it. She told me a story of when it came down to picking a Godmother for my niece she wanted nothing more than it to be me. After much consideration she decided against it. She decided against it because she was not sure how much longer I would be alive. This would then force her to tell her daughter the story of how she had an Aunt and a Godmother and that she was no longer here.  

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I will tell you this much, if it was not for my family I would no longer be alive. They gave me a sense of hope and I truly believe I fought only for them. It was not for me, it was for them. I could give a shit if I woke up the following day. Their love and compassion kept feeding my blackened heart, like water to a dying flower.

So to my family, I thank you. My son thanks you, for his life would have never begun had I chosen my own path. I love you more than words can ever be spoken or written. See in recovery it is not words anymore, those have been invalidated years ago, it is in action. I show my love, I show my gratitude, and I show up. That is all they wanted and I owed this to them.

2 comments:

  1. My family lives away from me, but when I finally told them I needed help, they were super supportive.
    It was my husband who never left me, and stuck with me, and I will always be grateful for this.
    xo
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gratitude is such a blessing! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete