A mother, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, an ex-wife...... rehabs, mental hospitals, psychologists, AA and a few beautiful years into my sobriety. This is my life, my daily life.....

Saturday, January 6, 2018

#17- My son....





My knight in shining armor was not a tall, dark and handsome man, but a beautiful blonde with blue eyes and freckles on his nose.

He is my son and his name is Cameron.

He had slain my demons wearing footed pajamas, sticky fingers and messy hair. He was the only human being to battle my addiction and succeed. He turned my entire life upside down and broke me open. He exposed all of my hard truths, my nasty behaviors and every moment of anger, sadness and hysteria I wanted desperately to take back the instant that it was revealed to him. The universe gave me a pause button, that in the midst of my selfish chaos I would be given a second of pause, something I had never had before. I could see him in the corner of my eye, watching me, listening to me, learning from me.

When you are given the gift of a child you are given an enormous responsibility to teach them and provide for them. Yet my son at the young age of three was teaching me, providing for me, and laying down for me the foundation of what would become my journey to sobriety.

It pains me to see him on days when he bangs his fists in anger and frustration when met with defeat. He has no idea how much strength lives inside his tiny frame. He has no idea that I have already seen it, it is in there, and that he will find it soon. I am only here because of him. He is the reason I live and he is the reason I breathe. Through him, I have found myself.

I watch him often. I watch him play, I listen to him laugh and I watch as he turns around to see me and smile, his beautiful toothless smile. With a sign of relief I think to myself, you are what I have been waiting for my entire life and I promise to give to you what you had given to me.

Life.

I will teach him to be a man of good character. That we do what is right, not what is easy. We do not back down in fear, or defeat, we fight. We overcome. We pick ourselves off the floor and we continue on, one foot in front of the other and if somedays he cannot, I will. We hold ourselves accountable for what our life will become, what and how we choose to live it. Only we have the power to be happy, so choose every day to be happy. I will teach him the world, though beautiful, can be ugly and to expect opposition, but hang tight and stay true to himself. And when he is old enough I will tell him the story of my life and all the mistakes I have made in hopes that history will never repeat itself.

For him I chose sobriety, but for me, I maintain it. My poor choices were not his choices but they taught me about life and how terribly painful we can make it for ourselves. He was born an innocent child with a clean page and it is my responsibility to fill those pages with love and wisdom. I would rather leave this earth than give him a home filled with fear and emotional instability and if I had continued down the path I was going, he may have lived in both or he may have lived an orphan.

So to my son, you are and will always be the love of my life. You are my number one. But you know this already, because I tell you often. Until I breathe my last breath I will be there for you to care for you and to comfort you. Even in my death I will find you, I will follow you and I will guide you. You have given me a purpose and a destination and you have filled my heart with love and appreciation like nothing in this would has ever done before. I will wake up tomorrow and everyday after, just for you.

I am eternally grateful for you, my son.

Thank you, for you.

6 comments:

  1. This is beautiful. My mother passed from addiction to alcohol, cirrosis. There are no words, but maybe a little part of me knows she felt the same about us but her demons won. Your words are healing

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  2. I have no doubt that she did. A mother can never feel anything but love for their children. I can tell you from my experience that while in active addiction I felt everything so deeply but just could never express it. I saw it all, the damage I was creating and the pain I was causing in others but I was clouded and blinded by my addiction. I hope you find peace. Xoxo

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  3. Just beautiful, Kim. What an amazing thing to be a mom, and to embrace this little guy's life!
    How happy he gave you the gift of getting sober!!
    xoxo
    Wendy

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  4. Beautifully written. Being a Mother is one of Gods greatest gifts.

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    Replies
    1. I love every minute of it. Truly a blessing.

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